How to Rekindle your Relationship

Your guide to falling in love all over again

Rekindling Relationships

• Ignore the frustrating little things he does and focus on the things that make you smile, like how he plays with the kids.
• Pay him a compliment–it not only makes him feel loved, it makes him feel more loving.
• Anytime you feel annoyed, take a minute to ask yourself: “How important is this?” and “Is this worth picking a fight over?”
• Make the effort to touch your partner more often, whether it’s a pat, a hug, a kiss or a shoulder massage.
• Take small, daily snippets of time when you can enjoy uninterrupted conversation and share your thoughts and feelings.

as your relationship been pushed down your list of priorities since having children? Your relationship with your partner is the foundation upon which your entire family is structured–so if your marriage is strong, your whole family will be strong, you’ll be a better parent, and you’ll be a happier person. Here’s how to reconnect with your partner:

1. Make a commitment

To maintain a strong relationship or marriage, you must be willing to put time, effort and thought into nurturing it. Not only may you fall in love with your partner or spouse all over again, but your children will benefit. Children need daily proof that their family life is stable and predictable. When you make a commitment to your relationship, your children will feel the difference and blossom because their home life is thriving.

The surprising secret is that this doesn’t have to take any extra time in your already busy schedule. Just a change in attitude and a committed focus can yield a stronger, happier relationship.

2. Look for the good, overlook the bad

You chose to be with this person for many good reasons, so a key step in adding sizzle to your relationship is to look for the good and overlook the bad.

Make it a habit to ignore the annoying little things–dirty socks on the floor, a day-old coffee cup on the counter, an inelegant burp at the dinner table–and choose instead to search for those things that make you smile: the way he rolls on the floor with the baby; the fact that she made your favorite cookies, the peace in knowing someone so well that you can wear your worn out flannels or burp at the table.

3. Give two compliments every day

When we get a compliment, it not only makes us feel great about ourselves, it actually makes us feel great about the person giving the compliment. When your honey says, “You’re the best. I’m so glad I married you.” It not only makes you feel loved, it makes you feel more loving.

Compliments are easy to give, take very little time, and they’re free. Compliments are powerful; you just have to make the effort to say them. Anything works: “Thanks for picking up the cleaning. It was very thoughtful, you saved me a trip,” or “That sweater looks great on you.”

4. Play nice

How many times do you see–or experience–partners treating each other in impolite, harsh ways that they’d never treat a friend? Sometimes we take our partners for granted and unintentionally display rudeness. As the saying goes, if you have a choice between being right and being nice, just choose to be nice. Remember: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

5. Pick your battles

In any human relationship there will be disagreement and conflict. The key here is to decide which issues are worth pursuing and which are better off ignored. By doing this, you’ll find much less negative energy between you.

Anytime you feel annoyed, take a minute to examine the issue at hand, and ask yourself a few questions. “How important is this?” “Is this worth picking a fight over?” “What would be the benefit of choosing this battle versus letting it go?”

6. The 60-second cuddle

You can often identify a newly married couple just by how much they touch each other–holding hands, sitting close, touching arms, kissing–just as you can spot an “oldly-married” couple by how little they touch.

So here’s a simple reminder: make the effort to touch your spouse more often. A pat, a hug, a kiss, a shoulder massage–the good feeling it produces for both of you far outweighs the effort.

Whenever you’ve been apart, make it a rule that you will take just 60 seconds to cuddle, touch and connect. If you follow this advice, you’ll find yourselves touching each other more often and increasing the romantic aspect of your relationship.

7. Spend more time talking to, and listening to, your partner

I don’t mean, “Remember to pick up Jimmy’s soccer uniform.” Rather, get into the habit of sharing your thoughts about what you read in the paper, what you watch on TV, your hopes, your dreams, your concerns. Take a special interest in those things that your spouse is interested in and ask questions. And then listen to the answers.

8. Spend time with your spouse

It can be very difficult for your marriage to thrive if you spend all your time being “Mommy” and “Daddy.” This doesn’t mean you have to take a two-week vacation in Hawaii. Just take small, daily snippets of time when you can enjoy uninterrupted conversation, or even just quiet companionship, without a baby on your hip, a child tugging your shirtsleeve or a teenager begging for the car keys.

A daily morning walk around the block or a shared cup of tea after all the children are in bed might work wonders to re-connect you to each other. And yes, it’s fine to talk about your children when you’re spending your time together because, after all, your children are one of the most important connections you have in your relationship.

When you and your spouse regularly connect in a way that nurtures your relationship, you may find a renewed love between you, as well as a refreshed vigor that will allow you to be a better, more loving parent. You owe it to yourself–and to your kids–to nurture your relationship.