How to Handle Jealous Siblings

If your first-born has started acting up since the birth of his new sibling, he may be jealous of this new challenger for his attention. Here’s how to smooth things out.

First-born Jealousy

• Teach your toddler how to play with the baby in the same way you teach him anything else: talk to him, demonstrate, guide and encourage.
• Don't blame everything on the new baby–be careful not to say things like: "We can't go to the park because the baby's sleeping."
• Acknowledge your toddler's unspoken feelings by saying things like: "Things sure have changed with the new baby here. It's going to take us all some time to get used to this." When your child knows you understand his feelings, he'll have less need to act up to get your attention.
• Say extra I love yous, increase your daily dose of hugs and find time to read a book or play a game. Temporary behavior problems are normal and can be eased with an extra dose of time and attention.

 

efore your new baby arrived, your toddler was told he'd have a wonderful little brother to play with and how much fun it would be. Then the little brother was born and your toddler started thinking, "This squirming, red-faced baby that takes up all your time and attention is supposed to be fun?" Here are 10 ways to help him make the transition from only child to eldest:

1. Teach him how to interact

Your first goal is to protect the baby. Your second, to teach your older child how to interact properly. You can teach your toddler how to play with the baby in the same way you teach him anything else. Talk to him, demonstrate, guide and encourage. Until you feel confident that you've achieved your second goal, however, do not leave the children alone together. If you see your toddler about to get rough, pick up the baby and distract the older sibling with a song, a toy, an activity or a snack. This action protects the baby while helping you avoid a constant string of "Nos," which could encourage the aggressive behavior.

2. Teach soft touches

Teach your toddler how to give the baby a back rub. Tell him how this kind of touching calms the baby and praise the older child for a job well done. This teaches him how to be physical with the baby in a positive way. Your toddler will be watching as you handle the baby and learning from your actions, so you are his most important teacher.

3. Act quickly

Every time you see your child act roughly with the baby, respond quickly. You might firmly announce, "No hitting, time out." Place the child in a time-out chair and say, "You can get up when you can use your hands in the right way." Allow him to get right up if he wants–as long as he is careful and gentle with the baby. This isn't punishment, it's just helping him learn that rough actions aren't permitted.

4. Praise your toddler often

Whenever you see your older child touching the baby gently, make a positive comment. Make a big fuss about the important "older brother." Hug and kiss him and tell him how proud you are.

5. Don't blame everything on the new baby

Be careful not to say things like: "We can't go to the park because the baby's sleeping;" "Be quiet, you'll wake the baby;" or "After I change the baby I'll help you." At this point, your child would just as soon sell the baby! Instead, use alternate reasons. "My hands are busy now;" "We'll go after lunch;" "I'll help you in three minutes."

6. Be supportive

Acknowledge your toddler's unspoken feelings, by saying things like, "Things sure have changed with the new baby here. It's going to take us all some time to get used to this." Keep your comments mild and general. Don't say, "I bet you hate the new baby." Instead, say, "It must be hard to have Mommy spending so much time with the baby." When your child knows that you understand his feelings, he'll have less need to act up to get your attention.

7. Give extra love

Increase your little demonstrations of love for your child. Say extra I love yous, increase your daily dose of hugs and find time to read a book or play a game. Temporary regressions or behavior problems are normal, and can be eased with an extra dose of time and attention.

8. Involve your toddler

Teach the older sibling how to be helpful with the baby or how to entertain the baby. Let your toddler open the baby gifts and use the camera to take pictures of the baby. Teach him how to put the baby's socks on. Let him sprinkle the powder. Praise and encourage whenever possible.

9. Make each feel special

Avoid comparing siblings, even about seemingly innocent topics such as birth weight, when each first crawled or walked, or who had more hair-children can interpret these comments as criticisms.

10. Take a deep breath and be calm.

This is a time of adjustment for everyone in the family. Reduce outside activities, relax your housekeeping standards and focus on your current priority–adjusting to your new family size.

Turn the Terrible Twos into Something Terrific

Eight tips for maintaining your sanity with a toddler

Terrible Twos

• Remember that the world is still new and challenging to your child. Be patient with her and watch how she manipulates through her day–you will be rewarded with glimpses of her ingenuity and creativity.
• Understand your toddler's challenges and frustrations so you can learn to avoid some of them. If a new task is stressing her out, let her try something she's already mastered to help boost her confidence.
• Avoiding "stimulation overload" will help keep toddler tantrums at bay.
• Toddlers learn through their curiosity–encourage your child's exploration of the world in safe ways and take the time to answer all her questions as you share in her new discoveries.

ou're no longer operating in a totally sleep-deprived state and rarely have spit up on your clothes, but now your child is beginning to voice her concerns, needs and wants with actual words–and sometimes more forcefully than others. Occasionally, you find yourself wishing she came equipped with a "pause" button.

    Not to worry–all parents find themselves in the same position: loving most of it and wondering, at times, what they've gotten themselves into. Here are eight tips to help see you through those tricky days of toddlerdom:

1. It's important to slow down and really watch your child–and be in awe of all she is learning and experiencing. Her days as a toddler will go fast, so let her re-introduce you to the world of childhood, filled with wonder and awe.

2. Respect your child's individuality. Watch how she copes and manipulates through a day. Remember that it's all still new and challenging to her–be patient and you will be rewarded with glimpses of her ingenuity and creativity.

3. Appreciate your child's moods and her efforts to interact with the world around her. Understand her challenges and frustrations so that you can learn how to avoid some of them. If she gets upset when she can't complete a task, distract her with something she's already mastered.

4. Watch for your child's signals that she is hungry, lonely, tired, frustrated or needs to be changed–and try to avoid those times by anticipating them in advance, then circumventing them with fewer errands, healthy snacks and respecting nap time as necessary for her to rejuvenate herself. You'll find yourself facing fewer toddler tantrums as a result.

5. Avoid "stimulation overload." When you do too much in a day or expose her to a lot of visual and/or auditory stimulation, your child has to let out the extra stimuli in the form of a tantrum, screaming or other behaviors. When this happens, it's a sign you may have pushed her a bit too far and she needs a quiet break.

6. Toddlers are incredibly curious. They are led by their curiosity and it's the way they learn. Be careful not to squelch that curiosity–instead, encourage her explorations in safe ways and marvel at the way her mind works.

7. Focus on your child. Take time to answer all her inquiries and questions so you can share your knowledge and insights about the world with her.

8. Respectfully parent your child. Respect involves listening to, considering, liking, enjoying and being in a mutual, interactive relationship with her. She will learn to respect you in turn. 

Help your Infant Communicate

Your guide to communicating with your baby from day one

Language Development

• Research shows babies as young as seven months old are aware of how sentences are organized.
• Speaking "baby talk" or parentese can help infants learn language.
• Repeat words, babbling and gestures to your baby from the beginning, then repeat your infant's words back to her as she acquires a vocabulary.
• Research shows babies exposed to sign language can sign five to six months before they can speak words verbally.
• It's never too late to start signing with your child–just start with basic signs (eat, milk, more) and incorporate them into your daily routine.

ou probably can't wait to have a real conversation with your baby, but you'd be amazed at how much you can say to one another long before she surprises you with her first word. Whether you're chatting verbally or trying your hand (literally) at baby sign language, here's how to open the lines of communication with your infant.

When babies learn language

A study by researchers at Johns Hopkins Medical School found infants learn language earlier than previously thought–babies just seven months old may be aware of how sentences are organized and can pick specific words out of fluent speech well before they can talk.

Infants show they're able to understand language early on by responding to directions, understanding words or pointing to family members, says Sara Bingham, author of The Baby Signing Book. And while motor skills needed for speech develop between 12 and 18 months, those needed for signing develop between six and 12 months. "Because babies gesture before they can talk, they can learn to sign before they can speak verbally," Bingham says.

Baby talk from 0-6 months

Studies show speaking "baby talk" with infants can help them learn language. Most adults speak differently to infants than they do to other adults. Infant-directed speech or "parentese" is slower, has a higher pitch, longer pauses, more repetition and simplified sentence structure. Studies show babies not only prefer parentese, but it helps them learn language by focusing their attention and making it easier for them to recognize individual words and patterns.

"The lyrical way we talk to babies naturally draws their attention," says Bingham. "Deaf parents do the same sort of singsong, but with their hands ‘parentese' becomes ‘gesturese.' All babies are born with the ability to react to both–babies babble with their hands and voices, but with hearing parents there's a drop off in the amount of gesture babble their infants use."

In the first few months, your baby plays with sound by experimenting with pitch, blowing raspberries and coughing for attention. "At this stage, your face and hands are more interesting than objects," says Bingham.  "Focus on interactions between you and your baby, don't always make it about the toys." When your baby "talks" to you, answer back. Imitate and repeat the sounds she makes, pause so she can respond–and you'll be having a "conversation" in no time.

"Label what they're seeing, what they're doing and what you're doing using simple words and signs," says Bingham. "I call it ‘narrating their world.'" So, when you're going through your daily routine, talk about what you're doing. "Say and sign ‘bath' and get really excited and eventually you'll notice a response," says Bingham.

"When we teach signing, we focus on key words–nouns and verbs. Signing makes you emphasize nouns and verbs and it slows down your speech. You also end up repeating the word more often." Repetition is key, she says. Repeat words, babbling and gestures from the beginning; then repeat your infant's words back to her as she acquires a vocabulary.

By end of 6 months your infant may:

• Babble with inflection
• Respond to her name
• Respond to sound by making sounds
• Babble chains of consonants (usually sounds for m, b, d)
• Use her voice to express pleasure and displeasure

 

Baby talk from 7 to 12 months

Babies usually start communicating with their own signs around eight or nine months, such as waving "bye bye" or lifting their arms to show they want to be picked up. When they start to speak, they usually start with nouns, such as "ball," or social words, such as "hi."

"When they reach the point of saying one word, up the ante and emphasize two words, such as "pretty flower," "brown doggy," or "cookie gone," says Bingham. "Then, when they're at the two-word level, up it again so you're always one level above where they're at and expanding on what they're saying as you help them learn."

By end of 12 months your infant may:

• Try to imitate words
• Say a few words, such as "dada" and "uh-oh"
• Understand simple instructions, such as "Please drink your milk"

Baby talk from 12 to 24 months

Typically babies can say between 10 and 20 words by the time they're 18 months old, although signing can help increase their vocabulary. (When Bingham's son was 17 months, he had 80 words in total–20 were verbal, 60 were signs.) To help encourage your child's speech and language development, read, sing and talk to her. Teach her signs or gestures for common items or phrases, especially those that seem to interest her most. And ask her questions, acknowledging her responses even if she's hard to understand. Studies show by 18 months, children can pick out grammatically correct sentences, even though they may only be able to say two words together.

By the end of 18 months your child may:

• Point to an object when it's named
• Recognize names of familiar people and objects
• Follow simple directions, such as "Bring me the shoe"
• Say up to 20 words

By the end of 24 months your child may:

• Ask for common items by name
• Use simple phrases, such as "more milk"
• Begin to use pronouns, such as "mine"
• Ask one- to two-word questions, such as "All gone?"
• Say up to 50 to 100 words

Baby signing tips

Research shows babies exposed to sign language can sign five to six months before they can speak words. And it's never too late to start, says Bingham, whose children learned fastest during their second years. "I think the ‘terrible twos' have a lot to do with frustration because they can't make themselves understood," she says. Here are some tips for signing with your infant:

1. Start with basic signs (eat, milk, more) and sign and speak at the same time, exaggerating your words and gestures.
2. Incorporate signs into daily routines while playing, singing and reading.
3. Speak in normal sentences, signing key words only.
4. Start slowly and add to your repertoire (and theirs) as they grow and their interests change.
5. Don't feel pressured or expect them to perform–make it fun and motivating.

All children develop differently, but if at any point you're concerned, talk to your doctor who may refer you to a speech pathologist. Other resources include the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association (asha.org) in the U.S, and the Canadian Association of Speech-Language Pathologists and Audiologists (caslpa.ca).