That's Mine!

The Difficult Art of Toddler Sharing

Kristen Mosser was mortified to hear from the other parents in her son Bradley's nursery school that her son "wasn't a good sharer. It's the most horrible feeling in the world," she says. Mosser is not alone in her despair. There probably isn't a mother alive who hasn't cringed in embarrassment at least once when her child refused to share, or worse pulled a toy from a playmate's hand.

The battle doesn't have to be entirely uphill, though. It's important to remember that toddlers are just beginning to learn social skills. From the moment babies are born, their adoring parents rush to satisfy their every need. To expect them to suddenly and spontaneously give generously of themselves is more than a little far-fetched. Rather, parents should keep their expectations realistic, and encourage their children to share by doing so themselves.

Take sharing slowly, in small steps. Punishing a young child for not sharing is counterproductive.

"I made a point of sharing things with my kids," says Debby Hecht. "If I eat an apple, I offer to share slices with them. If they crawl into my bed on Saturday morning, I share my pillow with them. I tell them I'm sharing because I love them."

Simply exposing your toddler to other children will help him learn to share. "There was one child in my daughter's daycare who absolutely wouldn't share," Hecht says. "The other kids let him know how unhappy they were loudly. I think peer pressure forced him into sharing."

Ann Rombauer, herself a licensed home daycare provider, knows what it's like to be the mother of the one kid who won't share. "My son refused to share with anyone. At first I saw it as a personal failure I make my living taking care of kids, and here mine was behaving so badly."

After speaking with other child educators, Rombauer took an ingenious approach she gave her son a taste of his own medicine. "I sat down with his favorite book and started to read," she says. "Of course, he wanted to sit and read with me, but I told him I wanted the book all for myself. It almost broke my heart to see him standing there, looking at me, but I forced myself to keep reading. And after a minute or two, he brought over some toys and asked me if I wanted to play with him. He still doesn't always share as much as I'd like him to, but we're definitely making progress."

When Mosser sought the advice of her son's teacher, Mary Brock, "my heart was in my throat. I was sure she'd tell me that I was a clearly a terrible mother." But Brock was reassuring. "Just because a three year old doesn't want to share doesn't mean he'll grow up to be a terrible, selfish person. I suggested that Kristen give Bradley something specifically for sharing. We started with grapes. Bradley was supposed to give each child a grape, and we made sure that he'd still have some leftover for himself. Once he got past the fear that sharing would leave him with nothing, it got a lot easier for him."

In general, Brock advises parents to take sharing slowly, in small steps. Punishing a young child for not sharing is counterproductive, she says. "If the first thing a child thinks of when he hears the word 'sharing' is 'That's what got me into trouble last time,' he's not likely to warm up to the idea." Rombauer adds, "I like creative approaches to problem solving you have to think in a toddler's terms. Help them understand why it's important to share not with complex theories, but with simple actions."

Most importantly, Brock and Rombauer agree that not sharing is a normal part of children's development. Their advice is to give it some time. Often, toddlers will come around of their own accord as a natural part of the growth process.

Mosser's son Bradley is living proof that children who are slow to share do eventually get the hang of it. "He's five now," Mosser says, "and his younger sister is three. The other day, I walked by the playroom and I heard him tell her, 'You're a very good sharer. I'm very proud of you.' So I guess I'm getting something right in my parenting!"