How to Handle Jealous Siblings

If your first-born has started acting up since the birth of his new sibling, he may be jealous of this new challenger for his attention. Here’s how to smooth things out.

First-born Jealousy

• Teach your toddler how to play with the baby in the same way you teach him anything else: talk to him, demonstrate, guide and encourage.
• Don't blame everything on the new baby–be careful not to say things like: "We can't go to the park because the baby's sleeping."
• Acknowledge your toddler's unspoken feelings by saying things like: "Things sure have changed with the new baby here. It's going to take us all some time to get used to this." When your child knows you understand his feelings, he'll have less need to act up to get your attention.
• Say extra I love yous, increase your daily dose of hugs and find time to read a book or play a game. Temporary behavior problems are normal and can be eased with an extra dose of time and attention.

 

efore your new baby arrived, your toddler was told he'd have a wonderful little brother to play with and how much fun it would be. Then the little brother was born and your toddler started thinking, "This squirming, red-faced baby that takes up all your time and attention is supposed to be fun?" Here are 10 ways to help him make the transition from only child to eldest:

1. Teach him how to interact

Your first goal is to protect the baby. Your second, to teach your older child how to interact properly. You can teach your toddler how to play with the baby in the same way you teach him anything else. Talk to him, demonstrate, guide and encourage. Until you feel confident that you've achieved your second goal, however, do not leave the children alone together. If you see your toddler about to get rough, pick up the baby and distract the older sibling with a song, a toy, an activity or a snack. This action protects the baby while helping you avoid a constant string of "Nos," which could encourage the aggressive behavior.

2. Teach soft touches

Teach your toddler how to give the baby a back rub. Tell him how this kind of touching calms the baby and praise the older child for a job well done. This teaches him how to be physical with the baby in a positive way. Your toddler will be watching as you handle the baby and learning from your actions, so you are his most important teacher.

3. Act quickly

Every time you see your child act roughly with the baby, respond quickly. You might firmly announce, "No hitting, time out." Place the child in a time-out chair and say, "You can get up when you can use your hands in the right way." Allow him to get right up if he wants–as long as he is careful and gentle with the baby. This isn't punishment, it's just helping him learn that rough actions aren't permitted.

4. Praise your toddler often

Whenever you see your older child touching the baby gently, make a positive comment. Make a big fuss about the important "older brother." Hug and kiss him and tell him how proud you are.

5. Don't blame everything on the new baby

Be careful not to say things like: "We can't go to the park because the baby's sleeping;" "Be quiet, you'll wake the baby;" or "After I change the baby I'll help you." At this point, your child would just as soon sell the baby! Instead, use alternate reasons. "My hands are busy now;" "We'll go after lunch;" "I'll help you in three minutes."

6. Be supportive

Acknowledge your toddler's unspoken feelings, by saying things like, "Things sure have changed with the new baby here. It's going to take us all some time to get used to this." Keep your comments mild and general. Don't say, "I bet you hate the new baby." Instead, say, "It must be hard to have Mommy spending so much time with the baby." When your child knows that you understand his feelings, he'll have less need to act up to get your attention.

7. Give extra love

Increase your little demonstrations of love for your child. Say extra I love yous, increase your daily dose of hugs and find time to read a book or play a game. Temporary regressions or behavior problems are normal, and can be eased with an extra dose of time and attention.

8. Involve your toddler

Teach the older sibling how to be helpful with the baby or how to entertain the baby. Let your toddler open the baby gifts and use the camera to take pictures of the baby. Teach him how to put the baby's socks on. Let him sprinkle the powder. Praise and encourage whenever possible.

9. Make each feel special

Avoid comparing siblings, even about seemingly innocent topics such as birth weight, when each first crawled or walked, or who had more hair-children can interpret these comments as criticisms.

10. Take a deep breath and be calm.

This is a time of adjustment for everyone in the family. Reduce outside activities, relax your housekeeping standards and focus on your current priority–adjusting to your new family size.