Turn the Terrible Twos into Something Terrific

Eight tips for maintaining your sanity with a toddler

Terrible Twos

• Remember that the world is still new and challenging to your child. Be patient with her and watch how she manipulates through her day–you will be rewarded with glimpses of her ingenuity and creativity.
• Understand your toddler's challenges and frustrations so you can learn to avoid some of them. If a new task is stressing her out, let her try something she's already mastered to help boost her confidence.
• Avoiding "stimulation overload" will help keep toddler tantrums at bay.
• Toddlers learn through their curiosity–encourage your child's exploration of the world in safe ways and take the time to answer all her questions as you share in her new discoveries.

ou're no longer operating in a totally sleep-deprived state and rarely have spit up on your clothes, but now your child is beginning to voice her concerns, needs and wants with actual words–and sometimes more forcefully than others. Occasionally, you find yourself wishing she came equipped with a "pause" button.

    Not to worry–all parents find themselves in the same position: loving most of it and wondering, at times, what they've gotten themselves into. Here are eight tips to help see you through those tricky days of toddlerdom:

1. It's important to slow down and really watch your child–and be in awe of all she is learning and experiencing. Her days as a toddler will go fast, so let her re-introduce you to the world of childhood, filled with wonder and awe.

2. Respect your child's individuality. Watch how she copes and manipulates through a day. Remember that it's all still new and challenging to her–be patient and you will be rewarded with glimpses of her ingenuity and creativity.

3. Appreciate your child's moods and her efforts to interact with the world around her. Understand her challenges and frustrations so that you can learn how to avoid some of them. If she gets upset when she can't complete a task, distract her with something she's already mastered.

4. Watch for your child's signals that she is hungry, lonely, tired, frustrated or needs to be changed–and try to avoid those times by anticipating them in advance, then circumventing them with fewer errands, healthy snacks and respecting nap time as necessary for her to rejuvenate herself. You'll find yourself facing fewer toddler tantrums as a result.

5. Avoid "stimulation overload." When you do too much in a day or expose her to a lot of visual and/or auditory stimulation, your child has to let out the extra stimuli in the form of a tantrum, screaming or other behaviors. When this happens, it's a sign you may have pushed her a bit too far and she needs a quiet break.

6. Toddlers are incredibly curious. They are led by their curiosity and it's the way they learn. Be careful not to squelch that curiosity–instead, encourage her explorations in safe ways and marvel at the way her mind works.

7. Focus on your child. Take time to answer all her inquiries and questions so you can share your knowledge and insights about the world with her.

8. Respectfully parent your child. Respect involves listening to, considering, liking, enjoying and being in a mutual, interactive relationship with her. She will learn to respect you in turn. 

Baby Tantrums

What to do when your sweet little baby has a sudden freak out? Here’s how to get a handle on baby tantrums.

Baby Tantrums

• Baby tantrums start around age one.
• A baby tantrum is due to an abrupt and sudden loss of emotional control.
• If you can identify the tantrum trigger (such as hunger or frustration), you can more easily calm your baby down.
• Keep your schedule as regular and predictable as you can.
• Give your baby toys that are geared to his age and ability level so he doesn't get frustrated.
• When your baby is overly emotional, keep yourself as calm as possible.

 aby's first tantrum can take you by surprise. You'll be shocked at the shrieking, stamping and hitting that can come out of such a little body. Don't take it personally. Baby tantrums aren't about anything you've done wrong, but there are a few things you can do to help calm your little one down and prevent the kicking and screaming from starting in the first place.

Why babies have tantrums–and what you can do about it

Baby tantrums start around age one and they aren't really about temper–your little one isn't old enough for that. A baby tantrum is due to an abrupt and sudden loss of emotional control. You need to treat tantrums in a one- to two-year-old differently than those with older children.

Various factors can bring on a tantrum and, with young children, if you can identify the trigger, then you can calm him down more easily–and perhaps even avoid the tantrum from happening in the first place.
Here are common reasons for baby tantrums and some solutions to try:

Reason for tantrum          Possible solution

Overtired                     Provide quiet activity or settle baby down to sleep
Hungry                        Give baby a snack or something to drink
Frustrated                    Help baby achieve his goal or remove the frustration; use distraction
Afraid or anxious          Hold and cuddle baby; remove baby from difficult situation
Can't communicate      Try to figure out what baby wants; calmly encourage him to show you
Resisting change         Allow a few minutes for baby to make an adjustment
Over-stimulated          Move baby to a quiet place

How to prevent baby tantrums

You can often keep a baby from losing control of his emotions if you prevent the situations that can cause this. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• When baby is tired, put him down for a nap or to sleep.
• Feed your baby frequently. Babies have small tummies and need regular nourishment.
• Give your baby toys that are geared to his age and ability level so he doesn't become frustrated.
• Warn your baby before changing activities. ("One more swing, then we're going home.")
• Be patient when putting your baby in an unfamiliar environment or when introducing him to new people.
• Help your baby learn new skills (such as climbing stairs or working on puzzles).
• Keep your expectations realistic; don't expect more than your baby is capable of.
• As much as possible, keep a regular and predictable schedule.
• When your baby is overly emotional, keep yourself as calm as possible.
• Use a soothing tone of voice and gentle touch to help your baby calm down. He can't do it on his own, he needs your help.

Think Like a Neanderthal: Solving Toddler Tantrums

By Meredith F. Small
You're in a store, little kid in hand, and then suddenly she tries to pull away. You bend down and whisper quietly in her ear, "Stay with Mommy, honey," knowing full well that this reasonable request is a foolish attempt to dampen the temper tantrum that is rising like a tsunami inside your kid. With a pounding heart, you scoop her up and run from the store before someone shouts, "Bad parent. Dreadful child. Get out!"

No one knows why 2-year-olds have temper tantrums, but most of them do. It starts with mild anger over something simple but then quickly escalates into full blown fury dramatized by screaming, fist pounding, foot-stomping, and screaming. The child also descends psychologically into a place where they can't be reached by words or physical comfort, and parents stand by helpless and confused.

Clearly, the child is distressed, but to the parent, the distress seems way out of proportion to the situation. And it is physically stressful for the child, which suggests that there must be some evolutionary reason why temper tantrums are so universal for little kids.

Pediatrician Harvey Karp, author of "The Happiest Toddler on the Block," and an expert in getting babies and toddlers to quiet down, claims that tantrums are an expected product of human development. He sees our little darlings as less-evolved savages driven by instinct and emotion, not thoughtful reasoning, and he suggests it's our job as parents to civilize them into Homo sapiens.

And so, Dr. Karp suggests, in the midst of a tantrum a parent should reach way back to our ancient ancestors and think like a Neanderthal and become one with the child and figure out how to stop the screaming.

His method is to speak in short phrases that reflect the primitive emotions of the child ("You are angry") rather than addressing the adult modern Homo sapiens situation of the moment ("Please stop. Big girls don't scream in stores.")

Apparently, nothing infuriates these little Neanderthals more than Homo sapiens logic. They just want to be heard and their emotions acknowledged and a tantrum is best controlled by the simple, "I hear you. I feel you."

Of course, Dr. Karp maligns Neanderthals by suggesting there were instinctual creatures swayed by emotions rather than thought. Neanderthals didn’t have language, but they had bigger brains than modern humans and could probably do logic problems with the best of us.

His advice is better couched in the notion that Homo sapiens, and presumably our ancestors, were designed to feel very deeply, and little kids simply want their emotions acknowledged, just like adults.

In fact, adults spend millions of dollars each year to talk to counselors and get their feelings heard. And relationships work best when people are able to see and hear each other's pain, misery, happiness and joy.

And so parents need not read the history of human evolution to know how to deal with their unruly kids.

All we have to do, even in the middle of the most embarrassing public tantrum, is to reach inside and feel that same frustration and anger with the world, and then bend down and say, as Dr Karp would, "I know just how you feel."

Meredith F. Small is an anthropologist at Cornell University. She is also the author of "Our Babies, Ourselves; How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent" (link) and "The Culture of Our Discontent; Beyond the Medical Model of Mental Illness" (link).